Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
