Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
