Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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