Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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