he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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