How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
