Ambien. No doubt about it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
