i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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