I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
