Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
