He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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