he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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