What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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