watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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