I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
