he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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