My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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