At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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