i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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