Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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