Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
