It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
