had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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