I must be too annoying 4 u.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
