if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
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Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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