So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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