someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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