just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
