I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
