We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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