Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just googled if crying burns calories
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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