How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am spending my child support on dildos
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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