Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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