do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
