Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
