I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
