I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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