I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize