I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize