If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
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