I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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