Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
