she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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