just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
