The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My bed smells like the plague
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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