so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
