Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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