Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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