They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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