My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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