I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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