As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
