if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
